ITS FRIDAY!

Wow. Am tired. What a long week! Plenty of news to report, since I haven't blogged in a while. Not depressed cause I'm moving on to mildly annoyed. Sick, tho, and getting worse.

Items:
1)Math is hard! Wow. It is so hard. I spend f***ing forever on the homeworks, and they are very, very tricky. This is cool and bad at the same time. But I am learning a lot. Prof is moving pretty fast, even though he claims his pace is "relaxed." Suspect its because I'm not a math grad student, hence much stuff goes right over my head and am scrambling to keep up.

2)Much work this weekend. But have resolved to do it right. I found that I was spending the whole week slogging work and getting more and more stressed out, so that by the weekends, I was ready to scream. Then I went and played the whole weekend. Now I figure that I'll leaven the long days in school with some relaxation time, and then work more over the weekend. Also, to work more productively: to wit, don't stare at math problems while tired. Its true that sheer stubbornness occassionally yields a solution, but its also true that these solutions tend to be suboptimal.

3)Cyberpunk class cool. Reading lots.

4)Terry Pratchett coming and signing stuff also cool. Hehehe. Will try to finish THUD! over the weekend. Yippee!

5)Firefly is a pretty cool series. Kaylee and Inara are hot has heck too. Too bad they don't make out in the end or anything. Mal's pretty cute too. Got a huge stick up his ass, though. But I guess that's in keeping with the Western style of the show - morality is a bit more flexible in some areas and a lot less in others. The Western really does condense a lot of American attitudes and ideals... But that's a topic that's much written about anyway. Love Serenity. Cool ship design. She's really shiny! Oh yes, and the crew does speak mandarin. Very, very, very badly!

6)Oh yes... this:
What do you think of me, iTunes?
Make You Happy - Celine Dion
Its nice to know someone cares! Sorta.

What should I do with my life?
Glory of Love - Peter Cetera
*grin*

Will I have a happy life?
Missing You - ???
Thank you very much for reminding me of our predicament...

What do my friends really think of me?
Why They Call It Falling - Lee Ann Womack
Flat on my face. Yeah, I know. I do too much stuff.

Do people secretly lust after me?
We Built This City - Starship
I'm not sure how to interpret this one. But since its outmoded '80s rock, I suspect the answer is "no. you have the sex appeal of KISS" or something like that.

How can I make myself happy?
To Love You More - Celine Dion
That's okay. I got no trouble with that.

Why must life be so full of pain?
Breathe - Midge Ure
So pain is inevitable, huh? You live => you suffer. Makes sense.

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
What Kind of Man Would I Be - Chicago
I have NO idea what the heck this means. Maybe it means I have to do get plastic surgery or something?

Will I ever have children?
Long Night - The Corrs
... That's not very good. Um...

Will I die happy?
Humdrum - The Corrs
Not very good either. Well, you know what they say about interesting times...

Can you give me some advice?
Wish I Was Your Lover - Sophie B. Hawkins
No, I don't like Apple enough. Besides, sorting functions or no, you just do it for me, iTunes.

What do you think happiness is?
Right Beside You - Sophie B. Hawkins
Awww... that's sweet. I guess I don't have to swap players after all. Even if the obligatory Quicktime installation is a pain.

The Nearness of You

Feeling melancholy tonight, which is a little odd because I've been either fustrated/angry or morose for most of the week. Feeling a little adrift - in work, from people, from myself. Tempted to say its because I have to keep up a mad scramble to just stay in place, but it isn't it. Been doing things with efficiency - enough so that I have time to play more than a little. But it was quite a sudden shift from the feeling that I had to kill something - anything, for most of the past few days. Its as if the weekend's bled all the tension out of me. I know that I have as much to do this weekend as I've had all week, more even, but I can't help but feel that at last the storm has broken. "Things fall apart, the center cannot hold," but my heart seems to have granted me a brief respite at least from the tides (and inexorable they are!) of the outside world. Or maybe its because I took a hit of medication to control the coughing and its wonking my brain. That's a pretty probable explanation too.

No real insights - and that's something interesting. Despite all the crazy shit that's been happening, I don't feel like I've changed all that much. Could it be that I've finally found a balance point, a stable place where I don't feel like I have to change?

Updates on life? Busy as f*** all. This is an insane workload, and IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY BLOODY SEMESTER OFF! Want to reshuffle schedule, but the fact that I've juggled it thus far is a tempting sign that I might actually be able to handle it. Am effectively sitting on 28 units, double a "normal" load, discounting research, teaching and ECA committments. Add it all up and even the high percentage of pass/no pass units doesn't make it look any better. P/NP or no, I still have to be there for class no? I don't think I believe in taking stuff for the credit if I don't learn anything.

I think that maybe I want Nessa back, just for a little bit. I deal too much with people who just see the surface me, and I need to feel honest for a while. Tired of being confident, of having to put up with praise. Don't get me wrong - I like the rep that I've built up, and I appreciate the respect, but it is a form of armour and isolation, after all.

YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neil Gaiman AND Terry Pratchett will be here this month. Shall see them both. People now know what they'll receive as gifts, so DON'T BUY THOSE BOOKS YET!

Ugh!

Climbed half dome in Yosemite with TBP. Was a 20 mile hike, with 4400+ft of net elevation thrown in. The final stretch was about 70 degrees up, with cables to cling on to but no safety harnesses. Am glad I'm alive. Its quite a view, but the pain and near death experiences probably make the net utility negative. I'm still sore, bruised (I slipped while on the cables, avoided plummeting to my death and picked up a bruise on my arm. Obviously did not really feel it at the time) and achey. I'm putting the experience in the "hm... that was fun once but I don't think I'll ever be insane enough to try it again" box. I think stuff like this should really be left to folks without spouse and children.

Hello Again

I'm back in the world of the blogging. I guess some updates are in order:
1)Yes, Nessa was here. We had a great time. I'm still cherishing thoughts of it in my spare moments. Whee. I love you darling. We went to SF, NY, Napa and Yosemite. We are not outdoorsey people. We aren't big city folk either. We're sort of in-between. I think small town suburbia suits us best. =)
2)Finished attachment. Went well. People sorta liked me. Weird. Am more convinced than ever now about my work habits. Shall elaborate on this further below.
3)Because of 2) above, it looks like my chances of doing a Masters are on the up and up. Thanks to 2) as well (and some nudging from Nessa), I also know what sort of posting and Masters I want. All very good. Shall poke appropriate people to expedite processing of grad sch app ASAP.
4)Started World of Warcraft. Am glad that am finally getting to saturation point this week: ie it can't steal my sould because I'm too sick of it to play it in 10 hr bouts anymore. (Marathon sessions like this have not happened often, thankfully. ) My constant playing over the last 3 weeks was to force saturation because I know I can't keep it up. (That's what I tell myself anyway.)

hm... I'm getting more verbose. *sigh*
Yes, am slightly melancholy but also feeling extremely lazy, resulting in terse rambling. Which is probably oxymoronic.

5)Started school. Yay. Not. Too many classes, too much I want to learn. Went to research seminar today and someone said "knowledge aquisition is addictive." Probably true. More about conclusions from seminar later.
Am at 23 units. Normal load is 15-16. One of the classes is graduate. And hard. Want to add 1 more grad class. Very interesting topic, but who do I prune off? The good news is that the finals count is very low. Even with the added class (bringing net load to 26 - 8 classes), there will be only 4 classes with exams. Odd. Still, will find someone to remove. Or someones... I really, really wanted to slack this sem but I seem to be back at the same unit count as last sem (when I had no life) and with harder classes.

6)Did research seminar. Went very well. The time leading to it was hell - running around fustrated and crazy. Would not have managed nearly as well if school hadn't just started and workloads weren't so light. We had 5 panelists who came and spoke about research at UCB.

7)Am teaching. More advice then "teaching," I suppose. A bit jaded with the entire educational/career process, but I'll do my best to give useful advice.

8)Ok. Long bit now: regarding the whole research/work thing. Marinating on it and figure that my work/research attitude is very medium distance, just like I prefer medium distance runs (5-8km). Must be a fundamental personality thing. Here's the reasoning: I can't do short distance because I get thrown by the sudden change. I react horribly to that sort of thing. I can handle it (not outstandingly well, but I get my act together) and work competently during the crisis. Just not great. As for long run: I get fustrated with the lack of progress and new ideas. Hate seeing/doing the same-0ld, same-old. Boring.

With regards to research work: I don't know if I want to keep one of them up. I think what I said to someone in class the other day is true: guy I work for is smart and dedicated and intent on his work as opposed to teaching. The material is very, very specialised and teaching me would slow him down, so I become a pest. Now, I guess I feel unappreciated, and like I'm not getting anywhere. If it were someone else in my place, one of two things would happen: If they were outstandingly dedicated, they would teach themselves. Hooray for them. Then again, I know I pick things up pretty fast, and the fact I still barely get it means that this hypothetical person would have to be ridiculously good with the research material. On the other hand, most other people would have quit by now, being less stubborn. If I had spare time, I could probably get up to speed on where I need to be, but I never have time because I enjoy taking classes too much. That said, maybe I should quit, because this isn't going anywhere, and bowing out graciously is probably better than hanging on and being a nuisance.

Irony is that I like that sort of research direction... =( Oh well.

Oh, and the other project's hung indefinitely. But I think I feel like I contributed more meaningfully to that one despite spending less time on it. Really want to do more with that. Think the AI classes want to take may be semi-applicable. Maybe the math will lend itself to proper control theory. Hm... who knows?

Point about my working style: I definitely prefer application over research. Or to put it another way, the "development" part of R&D. So maybe I'm not cut out for a PhD. Just get me my charter/operating license and I'm happy. Feel at odds with all the academics at UCB who keep touting "research" and the "joy of discovery" as the be all and end all. Also annoyed with the idea that people seem to imply that you either go academic or you go for the money. For one thing, there's other ways to happiness. Myself, all I want is a reasonably comfortable life, my love, friends, and children. No need to be a hotshot corporate exec (who has no time for the things that really matter) or a tireless research genius (ditto about the spare time issue). Of course ambition and pride keep drawing me back into the fray (and I'm holding my own, thank you very much). Just feel like bashing my head into a wall for being an idiot so much of the time. No, this isn't a put down for people who actually want to be PhDs or corporate execs (you know who you are and that I love you. Should watch what I type but I hope you'll understand.).

Oh, whatever. Going to bugger off now. Maybe play a bit? Do some math? Something like that anyway.