The Nearness of You
Feeling melancholy tonight, which is a little odd because I've been either fustrated/angry or morose for most of the week. Feeling a little adrift - in work, from people, from myself. Tempted to say its because I have to keep up a mad scramble to just stay in place, but it isn't it. Been doing things with efficiency - enough so that I have time to play more than a little. But it was quite a sudden shift from the feeling that I had to kill something - anything, for most of the past few days. Its as if the weekend's bled all the tension out of me. I know that I have as much to do this weekend as I've had all week, more even, but I can't help but feel that at last the storm has broken. "Things fall apart, the center cannot hold," but my heart seems to have granted me a brief respite at least from the tides (and inexorable they are!) of the outside world. Or maybe its because I took a hit of medication to control the coughing and its wonking my brain. That's a pretty probable explanation too.
No real insights - and that's something interesting. Despite all the crazy shit that's been happening, I don't feel like I've changed all that much. Could it be that I've finally found a balance point, a stable place where I don't feel like I have to change?
Updates on life? Busy as f*** all. This is an insane workload, and IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY BLOODY SEMESTER OFF! Want to reshuffle schedule, but the fact that I've juggled it thus far is a tempting sign that I might actually be able to handle it. Am effectively sitting on 28 units, double a "normal" load, discounting research, teaching and ECA committments. Add it all up and even the high percentage of pass/no pass units doesn't make it look any better. P/NP or no, I still have to be there for class no? I don't think I believe in taking stuff for the credit if I don't learn anything.
I think that maybe I want Nessa back, just for a little bit. I deal too much with people who just see the surface me, and I need to feel honest for a while. Tired of being confident, of having to put up with praise. Don't get me wrong - I like the rep that I've built up, and I appreciate the respect, but it is a form of armour and isolation, after all.
Feeling melancholy tonight, which is a little odd because I've been either fustrated/angry or morose for most of the week. Feeling a little adrift - in work, from people, from myself. Tempted to say its because I have to keep up a mad scramble to just stay in place, but it isn't it. Been doing things with efficiency - enough so that I have time to play more than a little. But it was quite a sudden shift from the feeling that I had to kill something - anything, for most of the past few days. Its as if the weekend's bled all the tension out of me. I know that I have as much to do this weekend as I've had all week, more even, but I can't help but feel that at last the storm has broken. "Things fall apart, the center cannot hold," but my heart seems to have granted me a brief respite at least from the tides (and inexorable they are!) of the outside world. Or maybe its because I took a hit of medication to control the coughing and its wonking my brain. That's a pretty probable explanation too.
No real insights - and that's something interesting. Despite all the crazy shit that's been happening, I don't feel like I've changed all that much. Could it be that I've finally found a balance point, a stable place where I don't feel like I have to change?
Updates on life? Busy as f*** all. This is an insane workload, and IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY BLOODY SEMESTER OFF! Want to reshuffle schedule, but the fact that I've juggled it thus far is a tempting sign that I might actually be able to handle it. Am effectively sitting on 28 units, double a "normal" load, discounting research, teaching and ECA committments. Add it all up and even the high percentage of pass/no pass units doesn't make it look any better. P/NP or no, I still have to be there for class no? I don't think I believe in taking stuff for the credit if I don't learn anything.
I think that maybe I want Nessa back, just for a little bit. I deal too much with people who just see the surface me, and I need to feel honest for a while. Tired of being confident, of having to put up with praise. Don't get me wrong - I like the rep that I've built up, and I appreciate the respect, but it is a form of armour and isolation, after all.
posted by Enforced Equanimity at 8:51 PM
1 Comments:
Fuck the rest of the world. *throws arms around Jon* I love you.
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